Reflection June 12, 2016 - Post di Renne Nooney

Today our Shen group met for the last class before summer break. It has been a long and painful road but I can say that I feel connected to my group and enjoy our time together. For the first two years I felt like a deer in the headlights. So self critical that I could not allow myself to settle into my class, I judged myself through each session and became even more harsh with myself during the days that followed. Feeling incredibly exposed and broken I somehow managed to return again and again. I knew from the beginning, from the demeanor and attention of Wassim, Elisabeth, Virginia and all of the therapists that this was a precious modality. There was truth, acceptance and honor present at every meeting. Somehow it didn't matter so much if I couldn't see this in myself... they made space for me to be present and to drag my pain behind me.

I knew my story. My father died unexpectedly when I was just shy of 4 years old and my mother remarried in just over a year later. I was afraid of and therefore couldn't love my stepfather.  In later years I was able to adjust and move forward, no doubt because of my armoring, but the pain and anger of that early time period was forgotten.

My success with a 33 year marriage and the raising of 4 daughters in a comfortable and stable home is my greatest accomplishment.  Despite this, outside of our family I have struggled with relationship. Guarded and private, I told myself that this was my personality. I am introverted and self sufficient. I don't really need people in my life. In the past this explanation was enough for me. Now I see this as a mechanism of self protection. My husband once told me that I push people away before they can get to know me. I have moved through my life with a deep mistrust of both people and the universe. I often feel alone. And this was all on autopilot.

Returning to my Shen experience.... Once the mention of Parma and the Mother/Father  school became a part of the picture I felt some expansion. I could see beyond my unlovable self and muster some courage.  I was going ! The lessons with Pino in real time were proof to my neurons that there was far more out there than I had let myself experience. I was able to open just enough...

I didn't know that going to Egocenter and Parma would be a homecoming to myself. The care , love and attention of Pino, Patrizia and the staff and students surpassed all expectations and barriers of language. My experience of the body was truly expanded and honored with the Italian way! Wassim and Elisabeth were indeed our shepherds, as a classmate termed.  I saw my friends and teachers in the beautiful light of day and was in awe and appreciation.  Every aspect of "me " that needed attention and focus was magnified  in those days.

Returning home was in perfect timing. One of my twins with a recent mononucleosis diagnosis was collected and brought home for home cooked meals and back rubs. Another daughter has set a wedding date. The new sessions with Wassim have already helped me to sense the presence of my father deep in my bones. My own strength...

It has taken me a long time of not seeing change in myself to finally sensing a shift. I can feel the hands on my body during a treatment. My mind wants only to follow those hands lately. There is still some pain that thankfully  alternates with pure presence and relaxation. I finally see that I can touch the skin of others with confidence and true love. I am eternally grateful to Green Mountain Shen and ultimately Egocenter. I will remember my response to seeing your table and then receiving your treatment, Pino. I wish to return next year with my school and visit Genoa , as you offered, to come through the caves and witness the sea.....

With much love and respect,

Renee Nooney